Ok, this is going to be a lot of rambling, or ranting or stream of conciousness whatever you want to call it. I can't cope at the moment, and I need to vent.
I've fucked up badly with the girl that I love more than anything in the world. We were together for almost 4 years until this year. She graduated the year before me and left uni, I stayed to finish my final year, and didnt cope very well with her going. I'd lived with her in first year and second, and we met before uni. I didnt have a proper freshers year really, but at the time didnt care because I loved living with her so much. Then at the start of last year I went a bit crazy and didnt cope with her going, the work, the lack of close mates at uni and suddenly only having me to think about. I fucked up badly and cheated on her with a mate of mine. I couldnt cope with the guilt and dumped my girlfriend, thinking that the cheating meant i didnt love her. The weekend after I realised very very quickly that I did. I decided not telling her was the best option since I would be doing it to ease my own guilt. This was the wrong decision. The guilt consumed me more throughout the year and I made one mistake after the other, continuing things with the mate I'd cheated with to start with, in the belief that I couldnt sort things out with my now ex. I'll call my ex S for the sake of something to write.
This went on throughout the year and S went travelling in March. I didn't cope very well with this either and the problem got worse once more. After graduation, finally managing to escape my problems at uni and getting the hell out of Nottingham, I realised how much of a mess I'd made and how much I'd fucked up. How much I hated the person I'd become, and started doing shit things to myself, my mate and S. I decided to sort my life out, for myself. No longer leaning on S or L (my mate) for help, but firmly on my own two feet. I decided I needed to move away from home, and so looked at the options. Leeds was the best of my options, having family there already. First decision made.
Then I looked at jobs, real jobs, not just bar work and shit for short term. I applied and got a job at an IT company near my sisters house, and that was that. Plan in action, moving away, getting my new independent life back together. Problem now was that I still very much loved S and had fucked up badly here. I texted her in Africa and she said we could talk when she got back. I waited til she was back, every day harder than before to stop myself txting or messaging her.
Then she got back and we began talking on the phone again. I should point out that we had broken up again in July while she was away, and she had asked me if there was someone else involved, I'd said yes. She asked if it was L, I said yes. Anyway, back to the phone. We talked every night for two weeks and arranged that I would go to see her where she lives (we live about 2 hours apart). I drove down there and we had an amazing night on Friday. We went for dinner, quick game of bowling, then to the cinema. All very nice, and we sat holding hands in the cinema, semi-cuddled up. Then she wanted us to have a chat in the car afterwards before I headed home. I knew this was the plan, and had been dreading it. We'd talked briefly about what had happened on the phone, but in no detail, and we knew various things would be problems. We had this chat, and my world shattered.
All my hope for the future was based on things like that evening, or how much we'd chatted and how nice it had been. We'd had problems long before we broke up, but nothing I didn't think we could fix, and it seemed as though we were getting on as well as we had when we'd first started going out. She asked me to tell her exactly what had happened that year, since she didnt know the details. I told her, and she told me to get out of her car.
I couldn't get out. We argued, we both cried to a painful extent, I couldnt let go of her, and she couldnt look at me. It was awful. I could feel everything I wanted slipping away, and couldnt leave for fear that it would be the last time ever. Just writing about this makes me want to cry. I cried myself to sleep last night. We've had a few texts, and messages on facebook since, but the last one really hurt me. It said roughly "You have to stop sending me messages. It's too late". I can't cope with that. I love her so, so much.
I am not pretending I've done nothing wrong, or expecting that I can just get away with what I've done. I've fucked up everything. I messed up big time, did stupid things, and made more and more mistakes. I've hated myself at uni this year, and had a terrible time. Now this shitty fucking year are coming back to bite me hard once again. For 9 months of losing control of myself and being a cunt, I now appear to have fucked up everything with the girl I want for the rest of my life. I hate myself for whats happened this year, and I can't explain to her, you or anyone just how sorry I am. I feel horrendous at the moment and I don't feel like anyone I want to talk to is around. The thought of never having another hug from S makes me cry, as right now. She's been a huge part of my life for so long, and she's everything I could wish for. I love her so much, and I know she likes me still, and is having a hard time too, but she doesn't trust me and she is convinced that I will just hurt her again. I know I won't, and I know she can trust me, but obviously just saying it isn't enough. All I can do is beg for another chance to show her and prove to her the things that I claim.
I need to give it time, let her anger disperse slightly, let her think a bit more - hope that she misses me. The thought of that is incredibly hard to deal with right now, and I can't deal with the idea of never being with her again. Friday night was so close to everything I wanted, and then it was all taken away again because of stupid fucking mistakes that I've made in madness this year.
I've had a shit couple of days and I'm moving house tomorrow, to a city I hardly know with few people I really know. The people I want to talk to I can't, and even the ones I want to can't do anything to help me. Only S can.
I don't know what to do. Moving on is not an option atm, and I don't need people telling me to get over her etc. You can't imagine how amazing this girl is, and how much we've given each other over the last 4 years. I'm currently clinging desperately to the hope of something happening with her. Facebook is torturing me atm.
I just don't know how to cope with this, and I'm scared that moving will just make me slip over the edge. I've been on tablets before, I've had panic attacks and breakdowns before - many times this year as I lost more and more control of myself. I've become stronger and taken more control of myself, and I'm determined to be good in the end, but I'm scared that since I'm barely coping with this stuff at the moment, that moving away will push me over the edge. I miss S so much.
