Serial Overthinker

shit

2008-09-15T00:11:43+02:00

Ok, this is going to be a lot of rambling, or ranting or stream of conciousness whatever you want to call it. I can't cope at the moment, and I need to vent.

I've fucked up badly with the girl that I love more than anything in the world. We were together for almost 4 years until this year. She graduated the year before me and left uni, I stayed to finish my final year, and didnt cope very well with her going. I'd lived with her in first year and second, and we met before uni. I didnt have a proper freshers year really, but at the time didnt care because I loved living with her so much. Then at the start of last year I went a bit crazy and didnt cope with her going, the work, the lack of close mates at uni and suddenly only having me to think about. I fucked up badly and cheated on her with a mate of mine. I couldnt cope with the guilt and dumped my girlfriend, thinking that the cheating meant i didnt love her. The weekend after I realised very very quickly that I did. I decided not telling her was the best option since I would be doing it to ease my own guilt. This was the wrong decision. The guilt consumed me more throughout the year and I made one mistake after the other, continuing things with the mate I'd cheated with to start with, in the belief that I couldnt sort things out with my now ex. I'll call my ex S for the sake of something to write.

This went on throughout the year and S went travelling in March. I didn't cope very well with this either and the problem got worse once more. After graduation, finally managing to escape my problems at uni and getting the hell out of Nottingham, I realised how much of a mess I'd made and how much I'd fucked up. How much I hated the person I'd become, and started doing shit things to myself, my mate and S. I decided to sort my life out, for myself. No longer leaning on S or L (my mate) for help, but firmly on my own two feet. I decided I needed to move away from home, and so looked at the options. Leeds was the best of my options, having family there already. First decision made.

Then I looked at jobs, real jobs, not just bar work and shit for short term. I applied and got a job at an IT company near my sisters house, and that was that. Plan in action, moving away, getting my new independent life back together. Problem now was that I still very much loved S and had fucked up badly here. I texted her in Africa and she said we could talk when she got back. I waited til she was back, every day harder than before to stop myself txting or messaging her.

Then she got back and we began talking on the phone again. I should point out that we had broken up again in July while she was away, and she had asked me if there was someone else involved, I'd said yes. She asked if it was L, I said yes. Anyway, back to the phone. We talked every night for two weeks and arranged that I would go to see her where she lives (we live about 2 hours apart). I drove down there and we had an amazing night on Friday. We went for dinner, quick game of bowling, then to the cinema. All very nice, and we sat holding hands in the cinema, semi-cuddled up. Then she wanted us to have a chat in the car afterwards before I headed home. I knew this was the plan, and had been dreading it. We'd talked briefly about what had happened on the phone, but in no detail, and we knew various things would be problems. We had this chat, and my world shattered.

All my hope for the future was based on things like that evening, or how much we'd chatted and how nice it had been. We'd had problems long before we broke up, but nothing I didn't think we could fix, and it seemed as though we were getting on as well as we had when we'd first started going out. She asked me to tell her exactly what had happened that year, since she didnt know the details. I told her, and she told me to get out of her car.

I couldn't get out. We argued, we both cried to a painful extent, I couldnt let go of her, and she couldnt look at me. It was awful. I could feel everything I wanted slipping away, and couldnt leave for fear that it would be the last time ever. Just writing about this makes me want to cry. I cried myself to sleep last night. We've had a few texts, and messages on facebook since, but the last one really hurt me. It said roughly "You have to stop sending me messages. It's too late". I can't cope with that. I love her so, so much.

I am not pretending I've done nothing wrong, or expecting that I can just get away with what I've done. I've fucked up everything. I messed up big time, did stupid things, and made more and more mistakes. I've hated myself at uni this year, and had a terrible time. Now this shitty fucking year are coming back to bite me hard once again. For 9 months of losing control of myself and being a cunt, I now appear to have fucked up everything with the girl I want for the rest of my life. I hate myself for whats happened this year, and I can't explain to her, you or anyone just how sorry I am. I feel horrendous at the moment and I don't feel like anyone I want to talk to is around. The thought of never having another hug from S makes me cry, as right now. She's been a huge part of my life for so long, and she's everything I could wish for. I love her so much, and I know she likes me still, and is having a hard time too, but she doesn't trust me and she is convinced that I will just hurt her again. I know I won't, and I know she can trust me, but obviously just saying it isn't enough. All I can do is beg for another chance to show her and prove to her the things that I claim.

I need to give it time, let her anger disperse slightly, let her think a bit more - hope that she misses me. The thought of that is incredibly hard to deal with right now, and I can't deal with the idea of never being with her again. Friday night was so close to everything I wanted, and then it was all taken away again because of stupid fucking mistakes that I've made in madness this year.

I've had a shit couple of days and I'm moving house tomorrow, to a city I hardly know with few people I really know. The people I want to talk to I can't, and even the ones I want to can't do anything to help me. Only S can.

I don't know what to do. Moving on is not an option atm, and I don't need people telling me to get over her etc. You can't imagine how amazing this girl is, and how much we've given each other over the last 4 years. I'm currently clinging desperately to the hope of something happening with her. Facebook is torturing me atm.

I just don't know how to cope with this, and I'm scared that moving will just make me slip over the edge. I've been on tablets before, I've had panic attacks and breakdowns before - many times this year as I lost more and more control of myself. I've become stronger and taken more control of myself, and I'm determined to be good in the end, but I'm scared that since I'm barely coping with this stuff at the moment, that moving away will push me over the edge. I miss S so much.

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Amateur Economics!

2008-09-11T01:45:19+02:00

Yo.

Feeling bit more upbeat today, not dwelling on stuff so much. Plus side of my first job is that for the first time in my life I have some spare cash! Never had this feeling before, but I'm making the most of it lol! Went out and bought myself a new suit today, had my old since start of uni 4 years ago and various balls, presentations and open days meant I thought I should get a new one. Got a wedding to go to in a few weeks and wanted to get something nice for it. Very chuffed with it, £100 from TK Maxx and suits me really well - looking forward to wearing it! Beats the £40 from Matalan for the previous one!

Been buying ps2 games as well, bought console about a year ago but not had the time to really get into it until I finished uni. Playing loads atm though and bought a new memory card. Didn't work at first but the good old nintendo-style blow in the hole soon fixed that!

Getting really sick of hearing the phrase "credit crunch". Think of something different to describe it ffs! I don't really understand it well enough unfortunately, but my general understanding is that banks lent too much money and fucked everyone over. Now I'm not an economic expert, but surely them now not giving people sensible mortgages (instead of 105% or whatever they were giving) is causing the problem to worsen? I mean, the economy improves when people spend money I believe? So making people think they have no money, and not lending it to people that can pay it back is actually stopping people spending and making everyone even worse surely? Wish I understood economics....Don't get the impression I'm the only one totally confused by this though!

Only plus to all the economy stuff is that I'm not a homeowner. When I do eventually buy a house in two or three years the house prices should be a bit more reasonable than they were 6 months ago at least. Obviously not good news for all the homeowners though.

Well, that's my amateur economics for the day. Please tell me if I'm totally mistaken and try to give me a bit better understanding of this without too much jargon. Also, if I just sound like a moron then don't just abuse me, I'm not pretending I speak from some position of authority! It's just how I've tried to make sense of it all!

Night all.
x

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Me, my mistakes and my new move

2008-09-10T03:04:52+02:00

I thought I'd set my stall out from the very beginning, I don't read many blogs. I have no idea really what most people put in them, why they have them or even why many of them are read by others. Does everyone read everything or are there millions of blogs out there read by no-one and maintained just for the fun of it, like the good old-fashioned personal website. Well my reasons for writing are nothing glamorous really, I like to write and don't get to do it usually, I have troubles and I find writing theraputic, I'm seeking confirmation from the public that I'm actually quite normal and I have an overactive brain that gets on my nerves.

Thought I'd tell a little bit about myself to start with. I'm 22, I'm a new graduate from uni with a first in computer science. I have just got my first job out of uni and am moving away from home to start it. I'm single, though not from choice - you'll see in time! I overthink things and cause myself problems, never more so than in the past year, and I hope that most of my mates would agree I'm generally a nice guy.

Next, a disclaimer:
I know by many people's standards that my problems are trivial, unimportant and probably deeply boring. I don't care, they feel big to me and without experience of much bigger problems I have nothing to compare with. I sympathise deeply with people who have bigger problems, but in my own life, my own problems are what affect me.

Given the time in the morning where I am, I'm not going to start going into my main problems at the moment - just the light worries!

I have to move house in 2 weeks time to a city I have never lived in. I know it quite well, but no-where near as well as home or uni. I have never had a proper job, other than part-time for crap money, and have never worked in an office before. I'm moving to a house with a random in it next week, in a block of flats I'm not sure about - but it's in a nice area at least. Overall I'm finding it all a bit daunting. Everyone says it'll be fine, but I've never paid much attention to what "everyone says", quite often everyone is wrong! I just need to get on the ground and sort myself out and get into it I expect, but it's such a big step - starting real life - and what if I stumble? My past is littered with times I've taken ages to adjust to changes and had problems. I've been on anti-depressants before, and I've failed before and had to give up, it's all made me stronger, and I'm more prepared this time. I have family that lives near me when I move, and a couple of mates around, but day-to-day I'm on my own really. Hmmmm. Why doesn't uni really prepare you for this bit? The living away is fine for cooking and entertainment and things, but starting life is much harder!

Still, at least I'll be able to eat more curries when I leave home.

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